Damn, so many thoughts running through my mind, yet unable to speak up & express clearly.
I hated myself for not standing firm at the initial thought, for not persisting stronger the way I should have. How had I make a mess of everything? Yet, what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight, I couldn't think of any better way, any perfect course of action. Two difficult choices, either one choice I've to choose from, would not have not done any good to us both but only to hurt us both deeply. But then again, if given a second chance, I'd surely do. The other way round. To send you away from me, rather than seeing you being taken away from me. Whatever it takes to bear that spur-of-moment heartache than this spasmodic pain which comes at regular intervals.The biggest mistake was then what I supposed, it was wrong to have embark this game of love initially. Battlefield. Why did we not get the chance to bid a formal farewell? I don't understand. It seemed so unfair, out of balance. But maybe I'd violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me.
No idea what has happened in midway which caused both our letters to arrive so late. We both thought each other has stopped writing to each other. In fact, we don't & never will. It took almost a month for it to reach me. In that particular month, it was one of my worst nightmare. I wouldn't rule out any possibilities whatever might affected the duration. Perhaps the envelope wasn't sealed properly, it had fallen out? Maybe the address was written incorrectly? Perhaps it was sent to a wrong address & the person didn't care to send back? Maybe the postman stole it? Perhaps the HM didn't pass it to him? So many maybes, so many perhaps, but the absurdity of the idea comforted me. Had I not thought of one single truth to what might have honestly been? You stopped writing? Yes, I did. I tried to convince myself that you would never, but my inability to lie to myself only led me to check the mailbox everyday. The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize that I'd already begun to hope without giving myself permission to. It passed on for days... for weeks, each time I returned with empty hands. And I was losing faith eventually, carried with the slightest glimpse of hope, started to believe what I most hated to face. I gave up. 14th October; The exact day when I didn't check, my brother announced that I received a letter. I hung my head low & ask myself repeatedly, WHY? Why must I always suffer through the worst of times, the darkest moments, then would I get to hear from you? Would I have you? My first intention was not to reply you, but I couldn't seem to. And so, I started to pen down & sealed the envelope, without hesitation, sent the letter out.
21st October; The next letter arrived faster than any that had come, too quickly that I knew something was wrong. Dang it, I was right. You said that it might be the last letter that you're sending it to me, because of certain reason, which I shall not disclose for it does not concern the rest. The arrival of the last letter was the blackest kind of blasphemy. Everything felt so bizarre & I felt so out of place, shut down from the world. It was like as if I've been living aimlessly throughout my life. Every second passed was like an hour, every minute passed was like a year, every hour passed was like a decade. Every moment seemed to last forever. As the clock was ticking by, resembling the pulse of my heartbeat, beating for you, screaming for you. It was an increasingly eternal misses. Boy, do you feel the same?. This lone sobriety has turned to insanity. Escaping from reality was my solely survival. But no matter how awful I had felt, I dreaded the days to pass quickly, because I am reassured that I am walking into something that I'd yearn for long... I am one step closer to you.
Happy 6th Month Anniversary, Boy.
YEO CHIN GEKYNG WEI LIANG.
Unconditionally & Irrevocably in love with.
020509, Y 020509, Y020509, Y020509, Y
Dying inside, cause I can't stand it. Make or break up, can't take this madness.
